Worldly wisdom claims that intimate relationships are a natural instinct. This is the most common and harmless human activity, this is what happens between a man and a woman, all people do it and you just need to relax and have fun, right?
Everything seems to be so simple. But if it were all so simple, why we have to remind ourselves over and over again that this is natural, harmless, pleasant, happens to everyone and we just need to relax and have fun? Moreover, the media has been bombarding us with this information for so long, in a variety of ways and ingeniously, that one wonders why this idea has not yet been internalized. Why do we still have a shy, insecure and confused attitude about our sexuality?
In the world created by the Almighty, there are three states. The first is the everyday, secular, everyday state – ordinary things that belong to us. The second is the holy, divine state—things so exalted that we cannot possess them. With these two states, everything seems to be quite simple and clear. It is more difficult to understand the third state – holy and sacred. Although sacred means exclusive and inaccessible, it is not completely inaccessible. The sacred is that which is more sacred than usual, but not so holy that we cannot approach it. This is what is in the middle between what we have and what we cannot have.
Confused? Let’s try to look at a simple example. The Almighty blesses us with the opportunity to have children. So we have kids. Your children. My children. But when we say “my children,” does the word “my” imply some kind of property? Do I own my children? The answer is, of course, no. They are not really mine. They don’t belong to me. When I say “my wife” do I mean that I am her owner? Does “mine” in relation to a husband mean “one that belongs to me”? Of course not. And yet we use such an ordinary expression as “mine” to refer to such concepts of our life. This is a sacred part of life, and if we are not careful in our arrogance, we can begin to claim something that will never belong to us and only lose its sanctity.
So what is the level of sexuality? By its very nature—not by divine definition, not by religious beliefs or prescriptions—sexuality is categorized as sacred. It can be felt, but it cannot be possessed. You can go there, but you don’t belong there. You can be sexual, but you can’t own your own sexuality. And there is a very natural and simple explanation for this. To be in intimate proximity means to enter a private, sacred and inaccessible territory. Sexuality is when one person penetrates the private, sacred part of another person’s existence.
You cannot master the intimacy of another person. It is unavailable. Even if the person would want to transfer such ownership to you. This cannot be shared. This is one of those things given to us by the Almighty that we will never be able to own. I cannot own my children. I can’t own my wife. I cannot own my Creator. I can’t even own my own life. I absolutely cannot own the inner, sacred place that belongs only to another person.
Well, if it’s so unavailable that I can’t have it, then what relation, what connection can I have with it?
It is a holiness that we can feel but cannot own. And that is why the pleasure in intimate relationships is much stronger than any other pleasure. You can enjoy delicious food and it’s a great pleasure, but not like sexual pleasure, because you own your food. It is yours. You planted vegetables, grew them, harvested them and eventually ate them. They are yours. There is no trepidation here. Sexual pleasure is a combination of having and not having. It is a combination of the mundane and otherworldly at the same time. It’s something given to you, but you can’t own or possess it. And it is the feeling of this combination, the pleasure of being in the intimate space of another person while realizing that you are an outsider here – this is not your territory and will never become yours – that’s what makes sexuality so special.
The key concept here is routine. The sacred must not be allowed to become habitual. As far as the Divine is concerned, there is no such danger. It is not available to you – forget about it. Everyday and secular, on the contrary, should be familiar and ordinary for you. So when does the ordinary become blasphemy? In what cases is it really destructive and undesirable? If you have become ordinary in the sacred, too ordinary, the intimate part of another person’s life, physically, emotionally or mentally, then you are putting holiness at risk.
In our frank world, it is quite difficult to imagine the destructiveness of everyday life. But you don’t call your parents by their first names. We do not use the name of the Almighty in vain – because it would be too ordinary. For our grandparents, great-grandparents, intimate relationships were a sacred thing that they don’t talk about – because it would be too ordinary. The relationship between husband and wife was hidden behind closed doors. It was a sacred thing, something that is not scattered, not shared, and not even talked about. That’s why our grandparents didn’t talk about their intimate relationships. They didn’t keep secrets – they kept something sacred.
Today, human sexuality is presented as something that should be ordinary for us. We claim that our own sexuality is already quite familiar to us, and we are ashamed to admit that this is not so. We eliminated holiness, all because we thought our strict parents kept secrets from us. The media constantly preaches to us about the naturalness and openness of human sexuality, but this does not convince us. No matter how hard we try, we can’t ignore what our grandparents knew: the marriage bed is sacred, but that’s only true when you treat it with holiness.
Not enough evidence? Look more closely at the same grandparents. These two people who have been married for 50, 60, 70 years are still a bit shy with each other. They still blush in front of each other. They still care about each other. This is human sexuality. This is holiness. And that’s all there is to say about intimacy.
Source: https://www.ejc.ee/library/article_cdo/aid/1553535/jewish/-.htm
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