It is ironic, but there are many ways to seek to avoid conflict that actually creates it. Think about this:
One: When we try to please others by not telling them what we really think in an attempt to keep the peace, we often unintentionally create a later conflict since our words do not match our true thoughts. Our true convictions come out at some point, and the lack of honesty on the front end creates conflict on the back end.
Two: When we tell one person one thing and another a different thing in order to keep the peace, we eventually create conflict because the two versions don’t match up. One of the signs of good EQ is the ability to be defined by what we believe, no matter what the response might be. And to stay in a relationship with those who might disagree with us at the same time.
Three: When we simply avoid the issues and pretend that they are not there, the end result is far deeper conflict than we could have wished for. Sweeping issues under the rug only leave them for another day when the number of undressed issues is now larger and the potential conflict equally larger. Church boards are often guilty of this. The thinking is that “If we ignore the issues, they will go away.” They don’t go away. In fact, they get worse, and when you finally do confront them, they are now larger issues than they were.
Four: When we engage in passive-aggressive behavior, hiding our true thoughts and allowing them to emerge in other ways creates even greater conflict because it is disingenuous. This strategy is all too common, and it creates relational chaos since one thing is said, but another thing is lived out.
Five: When we lie about the conflict or issues that are causing division to get our way, we create larger issues in the future when the truth comes out. This tactic is not uncommon if one wants to create sympathy for their own point of view. However, eventually, truth prevails, and at that point, we now lose our own credibility.
There are many ways to create conflict by avoiding it. There is no upside to not putting issues on the table. We may think there is, but our strategies to avoid conflict actually make even deeper conflict inevitable. Boards and staff teams are guilty of this all the time, and it does not yield healthy results.
By TJ Addington / TJ Addington – Leading From the Sandbox : Five ways we can create conflict when trying to avoid it
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