“When I was a child, my mother prayed for me and said: “Karim, may my eyes see you one day as a leader who came victoriously in the name of Islam or as a leader who returned dead.”
In the Qur’an we are brought up with two beliefs. First, you must give your life to Allah. Second, you must exterminate the Jews and Christians.
I memorized the Qur’an and the Sunnah. I performed all the duties that Muslims have to perform every day. My daily life has always been structured and revolved around Islam.
I dreamed of that day until I had a fantastic opportunity when the Americans invaded Iraq. 2002-2003 was a big battle. And I said to myself: “This is the moment when I give my life to God.”
I dreamed of a phone call that this person would help me leave and fight the infidels. And that call took place. That day, this man said to me: “I’m sorry, Karim. The operation was cancelled. Bye”.
That call, that very sad call, was the worst news I’ve ever received in my life. I was disappointed. I was very disappointed. I felt like I had lost everything. It was as if God himself had rejected me. Allah had rejected me.
Islam believes that people who give their lives to god are martyrs. God himself calls them by name. Because as far as I was concerned, I wasn’t called. After all the prayers, after all the fasting, after all I’ve done, I wasn’t called. It was a disaster.
I began to fell out of fellowship. I didn’t go to meetings like I used to. One of the leaders called me and said: “I need to know what happened, Karim. I want to meet you”. I came to meet him and then he said to me: “Karim, why are you so sad?” I said, “God did not choose me to die!” And this man prophesied, as I believe. He said, “Maybe because he chose you for life?”
I asked him what I should do now. He said, “You must preach Islam.” I began to preach it like never before. I was everywhere, even on television. In the early days, I was very aspiring towards Islam. But the problem was that I wasn’t happy. Something was always missing. You know, something was missing.
That was my first problem because when I started studying with Muslim apologists, 80 percent of what they said was about Christians: “Look at the way they dress. Look – they don’t wear hijabs. See what they say.” Only 20 percent are about Christianity. And that 20 percent was dishonest from an academic perspective. Because if you want to interpret a verse from the Koran, you have to do a lot: you have to read the reasoning, you have to read the commentaries, and you have to have a basic knowledge of interpretation. But when he interpreted the Bible, he just said, “Look, here Jesus says this and that.”
It’s too obvious to be true. Too obvious!
I said to myself, “Okay, now I need what I call a Christian tablet.” In other words, I wanted a summary of faith as a doctrine. Tell me about the doctrines. “We believe the first, the second, the third, the fourth…” To determine what is false, what is easy to do, and then when we preach to these Christians, we do it to them consciously.
I tried, I looked around. It was very difficult for me to find anything that I could understand. Until I started feeling frustrated. After many weeks, I began to talk to God like this: “God, do you want to help me with this? I need help”.
Until one day while sitting at my computer, a dial-up ad appeared, you know, during dial-up, before there was Wi-Fi. And there was written: “Do you love Allah?” I clicked on this ad. I thought it was a Muslim website because it said “Allah”. Well, you know, “Allah” is a Muslim word.
But I discovered that this is a Christian website. It told the story from Genesis to how Jesus came to earth and ascended, going through all the major prophets of the Bible like Noah and Abraham. It was so amazing that for the first time in my life I looked at it and said, “Maybe we’re wrong?”
This is something that simply cannot be said about a Salafist! But maybe we are wrong? But who said God exists? And I began to realize that I had no proof of anything! I have no proof of Islam! I don’t have enough evidence for God himself!
This led me to atheism. And when I was an atheist, I did everything you can imagine. And then I got really tired because I started to understand that atheism is not an alternative! And inside I felt that God exists. And I behaved with myself as if there was a God I was talking to inside of me.
Until one day I got tired of it.
When I got back home, I had a lot of problems, a lot of things that I couldn’t handle on my own. And I looked up at the sky and said, “You know what? You’re too big for me. I can’t find You. Please do something. I’m too small for You. Do something and find me. It is not difficult for You if You are there.”
That night I fell asleep.
I dreamed that I was running along a very long road. I was chased by many branches with thorns, they want to kill me. And at the end of the road was a man I didn’t recognize. And I screamed: “Please help me! Do something!!” He just reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder and pulled me towards him. And as soon as He looked at me, I knew it was Jesus Christ.
He looked deeply into my eyes and said: “It’s time for you to follow Me.”
I woke up from the dream and said to myself: “Okay, it was a hallucination. It’s a hallucination. I don’t think that’s true. Why would Jesus come to me?”
But the next night I had the same dream, with the same details.
As soon as I woke up, I looked up at the sky and said: “You know what? I’m not kidding. I challenge You: come to me again in a dream with the same details, or else I won’t think about You anymore.”
I thought He would never come. But He came. And this time He looked deeply into my eyes and said: “Didn’t I tell you? Did I not tell you that it is time for you to follow Me?”
I woke up, though I couldn’t believe it was true. I could not believe that God is so loving, God is so amazing, God is so open! He didn’t care that I challenged Him! He did not believe that He was attacked, that He was offended. He had this emotion: “I love this man and I desire him.” That’s why He came to me!
I didn’t wake up a Christian. But I woke up as a person who seeks the truth and knew one thing: that this Jesus Christ is more than a prophet, that this Jesus Christ is not who we imagine Him to be.
I was lucky to find someone to help me with this. And three years later I was baptized in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
And the thing is, after my baptism, everything began to change, every view I had began to change. I began to see people differently. For the first time in my life, I began to realize that I could love others unconditionally.
We moved to another country because of the persecution we experienced. And it was not easy for us. But what happened abroad is so unique. I received an invitation from an association that works in a synagogue. I accepted the invitation. And for the first time I entered a synagogue hall. I was invited to speak at an event to share my testimony about what happened to me.
So I told them: “For the first time, I can tell you that God has made me whole and I can say that I love you. I really love you”.
God is love. And He places His love in our hearts. He puts His love into our hearts. And that’s what we learn.
Amen.
Video in Russian: https://youtu.be/wCZrw8W5J7E
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