One Thing My Parents Did Right: Giving Gifts

I knew the American Girl doll sitting in the hotel bathroom was meant for me, yet I refused to acknowledge its presence. Only a few months had passed since I moved into this new family. Yes, my adoptive parents had proven to be kinder than any family I’d ever known, but how could I be sure they’d treat me differently than my previous parents had? Were they like other families who dangled the possibility of a gift just out of reach to induce good behavior? Would simple missteps result in the permanent removal of objects I came to cherish?

My 8-year-old dream of having this doll was sitting before me, but I couldn’t allow myself the pleasure of accepting such a gift. It would only lead to disappointment. Whatever standard I had to meet to earn this doll, I knew I could never achieve it. With one last glance, I walked away, refusing to accept what I knew had been a well-orchestrated surprise.

Over time, I came to accept my adoptive parents’ gifts with gratitude rather than fear. As I came to understand that their love—like their gifts—was unconditional, I learned to receive both gifts and discipline as evidence of God’s grace.

Receiving Grace

It became clear I didn’t receive gifts in my adoptive family by my attempts to be a good child; I received gifts simply by being their child. This approach to gift giving enabled me to understand God’s grace and the gifts he freely extends to his children.

As children of God, we can’t attain God’s gifts through our performance, because his gifts are motivated by grace that flows from his fatherly heart. As Paul explains, “If it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace” (Rom. 11:6).

In the same way that my parents extend gifts to me out of love, our heavenly Father grants us blessings on the basis of our status as his children: “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (Matt. 7:11). We receive these pleasant gifts with gratitude, knowing they’re an overflow of grace.

Receiving Discipline

But there are other gifts God gives that don’t seem pleasant in the moment. One of these is discipline.

My experience of discipline in previous families had been devoid of love, so I struggled to see discipline as anything positive. The excessive and intense use of corporal punishment was closer to abuse than to godly correction. It took years of healing, but eventually, the grace and intentionality in my adoptive parents’ discipline enabled me to see healthy discipline as a gift.

That’s what the author of Hebrews seems to have been getting at when he said,

We have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Heb. 12:9–11)

Loving and grace-filled correction given by our earthly parents displays the grace and sovereignty of God’s discipline. The difficulties in our lives are acts of grace through which the Lord captures our attention and calls us back to himself. We can receive this gift of discipline with gratitude and endurance when we remember our Lord’s discipline is always motivated and granted with perfect grace.

Receiving the Gift

Assuming I’d merely overlooked the doll, my mother steered me back into the bathroom and turned me toward the doll as she braided my hair. I waited until she was finished and left the bathroom again, still refusing to acknowledge what I’d seen. Clearly perplexed, my parents asked me if I’d noticed anything. I shook my head. Finally, both of my parents led me into the bathroom one last time and placed the doll in my arms.

The concern reflected in their expressions revealed the genuineness of the gift. It was clear this doll wasn’t given as an incentive for good behavior; it was given simply because my adoptive parents loved me as their own. I could only cry as I experienced the joy of receiving a gift—a real gift—for the first time.

Through my parents’ unconditional love, I developed the capacity to see their gifts were freely given for my good. More than creating a bond of trust between my parents and me, this new pattern of gift giving helped me understand the grace hidden within the varying gifts of my heavenly Father.

By Skylar Jones / One Thing My Parents Did Right: Giving Gifts (thegospelcoalition.org)