Reverend Sakari Leppänen and therapist Seija Leppänen urge with the experience of 49 years of marriage: “Get cy!”

In 1993, Seija and Sakari Leppänen participated in their first Christian marriage camp. In the fall of 2022, they will be a pair of speakers at the “Mennään Eteenpäin” relationship weekend. At the People’s Broadcasting Days in early July, the Leppänen´s hosted the “Puhutaa ja pussataan” channel. Photo: Erja Taura-Jokinen

Experienced Christian marriage workers talk about an emotional bucket, in which each person accumulates dross over the years. Clearing it is a lifelong process.

Why did the words of a close person hurt so much? How did such a small thing cause such a big reaction?

– It’s usually about the person’s own history who is upset. Things have happened that have remained unrepented and unaddressed by him. When you get hurt by something, it’s good to take a moment to think about why it really happened, says Therapist Seija Leppänen.

There is no need to fear or suppress anger or the feeling of anger, not even if you are a Christian.

– In the Bible, we can read how Jesus urged people to be angry, but immediately He forbade sinning. So what is important is what kind of behavior our anger causes.

Anger should be channeled out so that it does not remain in the emotional bucket.

There are many tricks and even in them the only limit is creativity. Someone pours out their angry thoughts on paper, another beats a punching bag or yells in the forest.

– One adult daughter vented her anger towards her mother by cycling – pedaling furiously. And yes, the trips quickly ended!

When the intensity of the feeling has subsided, you can discuss the matter calmly and constructively.

Seija Leppänen’s pent-up feelings of anger began to spill out while expecting her third child:

– I was exhausted while clearing out the things from my childhood home and at the same time I began to think more deeply about my own well-being. I realized my excessive, wrong kind of kindness, which had led to me doing everything way too much. The every day had gone badly to the chores side.

She had to learn how to use the word no.

– The change was so remarkable compared to before, that it made me think that I didn’t marry such a woman, Sakari Leppänen recalls.

You should be aware of the spiritual legacy of your childhood home.

– I myself grew up in a very emotionally poor atmosphere. My father confessed that his nerves were damaged in the war and so I suffered from his short fuse as a child. If I hadn’t properly thought about and dealt with his ways of reacting as an adult, I would have come to use the same behavior with my children, the reverend states.

– Emotions take on the role of the host, i.e. a dominant position, if you don’t recognize them, sums up Seija Leppänen.

A good relationship includes honesty and truthfulness.

– In order to be able to talk about difficult, deep issues, a safe and calm environment is needed. It took me almost 15 years before I was able to open up to Seija about the darkest things in my life, Sakari Leppänen reveals.

Talking has always been the key to getting ahead in their relationship:

– But communication is not easy either. It is a lifelong journey to learn to speak so that the other person wants to listen and vice versa! Seija Leppänen states.

– My experience is that the wife should give the husband at least 90 seconds of silence to think about what he is experiencing, feeling and thinking or at least not yell at him “come on answer already!”.

Simple advice to improve your relationship is to make a change, even if it’s just a small one:

– If you are not satisfied today, do something different, Leppänen`s encourage.

Source; Rovasti Sakari Leppänen ja terapeutti Seija Leppänen kehottavat 49 avioliittovuoden kokemuksella: ”Vihastukaa!” – Seurakuntalainen