Why don’t I want to please my husband anymore?

Shalom! Please help me. My husband and I have been together for 20 years, we have children … We have a good close relationship, we work on our appearance and look quite fit, we like each other. But in recent years, I have become less active when it comes to sex. I love everything about the whole process and my husband is attentive. But I’m constantly lazy… And even if there’s a desire, and my husband doesn’t know about it yet, I’d rather go to sleep.

I can’t say that I’m very tired or that I’m not being helped. It’s like a lack of confidence. A year after my last birth, I weighed 8 kg more than my usual weight, my husband was embarrassed of me in front of his friends. It hurt me. I lost weight again and now I have a max of 2-3 extra kgs, but I’m still very insecure.

It just so happened that I work (remotely and with a very flexible schedule) because my profession is well paid and my husband takes care of my son because I do not know how raise him. But I don’t think that’s the reason for my inactivity, nor the fact that we’re together 24/7. Everything suits us and my husband compliments me regularly.

But I don’t understand: why don’t I want to please him anymore? Foreplay, underwear – everything seems superfluous and a masquerade to me. Plus, it disgusts me. To be honest, my attitude is like this, but I would like to please my husband, but I don’t want to be a soft feminine cat – that’s just disgusting to me. And I can’t bring myself to buy underwear, or make cute hints…

A year ago I had hormone tests – estrogen problems were discovered, I got treatment, my libido increased (I can’t say that I became more feminine, but my desire increased and I became friendlier). Therefore, everything was fine during the vacation and when the location changed.

And at home, although we live in good conditions, it does not affect my sexuality much. I don’t know what to do, how to awaken it in myself? It was there before! And there is love. Unfortunately, I am not ready to meet with a psychologist face to face, I am only hoping for advice from the outside.

Thank you very much for your help!


Leja Khmelnitskaya answered.

Dear N., shalom.

It’s very nice to hear that you and your husband have a good relationship and love exists – that’s the most important thing!

First, maybe there is still a hormone deficiency. It’s worth checking if everything is fine physically.

But on the other hand, perhaps feelings are also to blame here…

The situation you describe (that in the past, in addition to just physical desire, there was also a desire to be feminine, to please a man, etc., but now it has disappeared somewhere), probably developed due to some inner resentment, which is stored deep in your soul and you unconsciously respond to your husband.

Maybe his attitude towards you after giving birth, when the extra pounds had not yet disappeared, really hurt you. You felt: “Ah, you will only like me if I am a top model size 90-60-90, and if I look like a normal woman after giving birth, it will not suit you anymore …”

Perhaps it is also accompanied by such feelings: “I earn you money, I give birth to children, I have to keep in shape so that everything suits you, so now I still have to attract you? No, I don’t want to invest more, I don’t want foreplay, take it as it is. You need it, so let’s make it quick, get down to it.” It is unconscious “revenge” that stops you.

Perhaps you still have some resentment against the husband or a claim against him.

Do this exercise to find out. Ask yourself the question:

What would have to happen to make me want to please my husband again and seduce him a little?

Just close your eyes, relax, imagine this situation and ask the question.

It is quite possible that thoughts of this kind immediately come to your mind:

I would like to be more feminine to my husband if he:

would be more attentive to me…

would understand me…

would be more respectful…

stopped demanding from me …etc.

Note that all these thoughts actually “blame” your spouse (despite the fact that everything seems to be fine between you on the outside). In other words, the husband should be more attentive, more understanding, etc.

Now the most important question: what do you really want?

After all, your husband is YOUR husband, he is who he is, with all his strengths and weaknesses. And what has happened has already happened, you cannot take it back (as the Almighty commanded).

And what is your true desire? Do you want to continue to claim your right? Or do you really want to please your husband, come what may?

If you choose the second option then let go of the offense and resentment and you will immediately feel better.

I wish you great happiness in your family.


Leja Khmelnitskaya.

Source: Почему я перестала хотеть нравиться мужу? — Муж и жена | Иудаизм и евреи на Толдот.ру (toldot.com)