I have a very sensitive question for you. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and in general we have a successful marriage. My husband helps, swears that he loves me and I love him. But there is something that spoils everything. I noticed a long time ago that my husband stares at other women. Each time I had to restrain myself, although from time to time I was scandalous. But these are all fruits. Three days ago I caught him watching pornography! It turned out that he does this all the time. I’m shocked, what should I do? I am a young beautiful woman, we have a normal intimate relationship, how can he do this, because it is immoral! I feel like he betrayed me. Finally decided that I want to get a divorce, but what will happen to our daughter? I am in great confusion. Is it worth getting divorced? Help. L.
Answered by Rav Asher Kushnir
Dear L.!
I can understand your pain when an intimate and beloved husband either in reality or virtually pays attention to other women. Love can really only be with one woman… What to do? Get divorced?
Unfortunately, we again have to return to this topic and analyze it in more detail, without emotions.
Betrayal
Let’s take a look at the male soul. Among other things, you can find an unusually strong and dominant instinct for procreation. From a very young age, a boy’s gaze is able to distinguish a female figure. When he grows up, this image begins to excite him greatly and give pleasure. Having noticed a beautiful girl, one so wants to prolong the pleasure that sometimes only a pillar can stop it … The inertia of attraction to the opposite sex in a healthy man is so great that if he does not try to limit himself, then in old age it will be the same, but with even more experience, he will notice all females.
What happens when a socialite is about to get married? In the best case, of all the objects of “pleasure” available to him, he chooses the best one and offers a hand so that there is something to “touch” her and a heart, so that there is something to “feel” her.
Did the guy lose his habit of looking at women after the wedding? It didn’t disappear at all, only at first the acuteness of the need was lost. What has changed? Understanding the conventions accepted in society: if you get married, then do not look openly at other ladies. In other words, it is possible to consider, more precisely, to peep, the main thing is that it should not be noticed …
And in recent decades, “salvation” has come, technological progress has created what he most implicitly desired: it became possible not to peep in parts, but to examine in detail and with taste as a whole. All women’s charms have become available at the touch of a click. And all the time while the guy is at this distance, he will instinctively press the button of temptation, without thinking about any consequences.
Does he see such habit as a betrayal or something that contradicts his marital status? Not at all, because in his understanding, his serious intentions were once and for all proven by the very decision to marry. And as for visual pleasures, will the husband will say that marriage excludes them? After all, the wife, having chosen one favorite cake, did not lose her appetite for other types of sweets …
This is what, more or less, is happening in the soul of your husband …
Immoral
You also write that your husband’s infatuation is immoral. But why? It does not follow from your question that we are talking about a believer.
Of course, secular women, after reading these lines, will be unusually indignant: do you really want to say that everything is allowed for unbelievers only because they are not believers!? True, this is outrageous, but note that the reaction of secular men will be different. On the contrary, they will be delighted: at least the believers understand them…
Yes, secular society has a concept of morality. But, alas, the norms of behavior are set by the people themselves and therefore are constantly changing. The modern development of civilization has led to the fact that the concept of immorality has lost its former strength and is practically not perceived in a certain part of society. So why, to be honest, require a husband to be an example of non-existent moral standards?
Conclusion
All these difficult-to-understand arguments were not given in order to justify the behavior of such husbands, but in order to soberly answer your question about divorce.
Of course, it is in your will to get a divorce, but … is it worth it because you inadequately evaluate the behavior of your husband, to destroy the family, leaving yourself divorced, and children orphans with living parents?
Hoping for what?
That, perhaps, there will be a new husband in the future who will be able to hide his passion for other women from you better than the previous one ?!
So, given that in all other respects the marriage with this husband is successful, you should think carefully before deciding to divorce.
WHAT TO DO?
Secular husband
If the husband is secular, then, whether you like it or not, it is preferable to accept his habit as clouds in the sky. But at the same time, do not lose hope for a gradual change in his habits. It is worth trying to become a partner, but not in a crime but in the recovery of your husband…
When you realize what is happening to your husband on the inside, it will be easier for the wife not to condemn or blame him, but to sympathize and try to discuss this topic gently, with love. For example: “My dear, I know that you love me, but it’s hard for you to get rid of the pleasant habit of paying attention to other women. I understand that, but your infatuation makes me sad. The female soul is not designed to share with someone else. You probably don’t want to hurt me. I am sure that you hear me and will try to change. And even if it doesn’t happen right away, I believe that you will succeed in the end.”
One way or another, but an open conversation on this topic will be the first step towards the recovery of your husband. Naturally, the changes will not happen immediately, and if you “catch” your husband again, it’s better to turn it into a joke and say that you will start to “cry” or something like that. You need to be patient and insist on the purity in your home …
Naturally, not every husband can be expected to change. Whoever was almost from childhood immersed in the world of immorality and as a person did not take shape in any way, then one can hardly expect anything from him. Then, indeed, you will have to choose: either not to have any hopes and reconcile with what is, or …
Religious husband
Everything that has been said is true to a certain extent for a “believing” husband, more precisely, an adult who has already become a believer. This means that he did not grow up in conditions of religious purity and holiness, but already managed to acquire bad habits. Therefore, it is no need for the wife to faint when she catches his “peaceful righteous” man in an immoral act. He is indeed righteous, but not yet in all areas. He himself knows perfectly well that he is violating the unequivocal prohibition of the Torah, but it is best to leave him to fight with his “evil inclination”. Of course, when the husband’s habit begins to openly harm him or the family, the wife can and should set limits and conditions. Although everything is individual and one must be careful with this, and it is worth consulting how to do it.
May God give you strength and wisdom to make the right decision.
Best regards,
Asher Kushnir
Olga Makhmudova
Source: Дневник счастливой жены. Муж смотрит порнографию. Разводиться? | Статьи на inVictory
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